30 Dec
2013
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Resolutions 2014

New Year's Eve Clock

My resolutions are simple and complex at the same time.

Be still. Be enough.

The definition of resolution that resounds with me is the “firm or unwavering adherence to one’s purpose.” With each passing year, I feel my purpose becoming clearer. I know more precisely what brings me joy, what feeds my soul and what to avoid. This year will be about taking clear steps which align with my purpose. Most of my resolutions are about ever-striving, ever-learning to be the person I want to be. My resolutions can’t be measured by a scale or how many boxes of stuff I give away. Only I’ll know if I’m at a better place one year from now.

I rarely give myself permission to just sit and be still. I have trouble shutting my mind down and get caught up in the silliest of things instead of just allowing myself to be. I can’t just sit and watch a movie with my husband. There’s lists to be made, sewing projects to work on, trips to research, meals to plan, and on and on and on. I get antsy when I just sit. Multitasking is one of my greatest skills but hinders my ability to relax. I need to learn to be still.

It’s exhausting to be in my head. I over-analyze just about every aspect of life while trying to smoothly run a household of six and make sure everyone’s needs are realized and mostly met. Embracing stillness, I believe, will help me in so many problematic areas. First and foremost, my inability to sleep soundly. I average around six hours a night, but rarely is that continuous sleep. It’s exhausting to seemingly never relax. In the last few months I’ve struggled to be 100% fully present during family time while we’re in Casper. There’s nothing wrong with just being still. Leaving things undone, so I can relax won’t derail my future. Be still. Be in the moment.

Be enough. The destructive self-talk I administer in my head is ridiculous and full of lies. This is the year I re-wire my thinking and stop believing the junk I say to myself. This person I am doesn’t need to strive to achieve the life of others. This year I resolve to shake free of my past hurts and move forward knowing I am enough as I am. My self-criticism is taking a toll on me. I fear it will infect the ones I hold the closest, and that’s not acceptable.

“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.” — E.E. Cummings

I practiced saying “No” to things in December. We didn’t go to every event we were invited to. I didn’t do every task that was asked of me. It felt good to draw a line for what I am willing to do. No more saying “Yes” to things just because I was asked to do it. If it doesn’t align with my goals, what benefits my family or brings me joy, I’m not doing it. I need to give my energy to areas which are positive for me, not ones that make me grumble and complain.

A resolution I’ve been working on for 12 years is to feel at home in this town I live in. I’ve never quite felt like this is where I belong. I know people but seldom feel like I know people. I feel on the fringe of my various social circles. This is the year I establish my own inner circle. This is the year I call this place home.

I enjoy the days after Christmas and the reflection that comes with them. Time slows a little as one year ends and the next begins. Looking back at the problems overcome, the goals realized and the experiences had in 2013 helps me crave the possibilities for 2014. The idea of a clean slate invigorates me in the same way catching a sunrise makes the day feel blessed from the start.

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