21 Sep
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Reeling in Frazzled Emotions

colorful sunset from mountain overlook

My emotions have been raw this week. I feel unsteady and frazzled.

I took two phone calls this week from people telling me of the unexpected deaths of two people I served side-by-side with on different boards. They shared my passion for children, literacy and our community. They were here one day and gone the next. I’ve struggled to find peace in what I don’t understand. I stood in my front yard and listened to children playing during recess at a nearby elementary school this week. Two of my children were there. I had a moment where I was ready to pick my boys up from their schools, call my husband home and keep everyone close. At that moment, I just needed them all to know how very much they mean to me. My panic passed almost as quickly as it swept over me.

We know how fleeting time is, how suddenly life can change. This week was just too much. My heart is a soft one, and my emotions run painfully deep at times. I cried for two families I didn’t know, for the loss of two generous human beings. In the midst of the grief, there was rejoicing as two friends welcomed babies into this world on the same day. Those babies were the rays of sunshine in my gloom, the ebb to the flow of sadness.

Even under the best of circumstances the span of Sept. 15-20 is emotionally turbulent for me. I ride high in celebration of the birth of my oldest and youngest children followed closely by the melancholy that comes with birthdays for me. I cherish the fact that I’ve been given these children for yet another year of growth and experiences, but I find myself saddened at how quickly their childhoods are speeding by.

My unstable emotions had me griping and snapping at my family. My coping skills were non-existent. I pulled back this weekend from commitments allowing myself time to work through the over-stimulation from work, kids, sports and circumstances. I needed to find rest and peace to move forward. My priorities are more focused on what I want to give this life. I want a life lived well with true passion for what matters most to me. Time is too precious to fill with tasks others have deemed important, but are not my priority.

I sat in a sanctuary and watched the slideshow of photos from a life well-lived, but too short. They were snapshots of people loved and memories shared, not a resumé of accomplishments. My focus has been sharpened in my grief. There are things that need to be pushed aside. The word “no” needs to be heard more to other people and less to my children and spouse. This body and mind of mine need to be cared for and pampered. Guilt must be packed away. I may not be able to be every place I’m asked to be, but I can be with those who need me most.


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