25 Jan
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Peace Within the Chaos

wooden cross and benches on a hill

I am a bottler of emotions and an over-thinker of thoughts. Many nights I lay awake mentally wrangling with a burden, problem or project. Sometimes all three in one night.

I stuff emotion on top of emotion deep inside until I explode on some poor, unsuspecting member of my family. They take the brunt of it all, tears and tantrums along with the joy. I can feel the build-up of feelings and thoughts that haven’t been shared. I know I’m pushing my limit for containment but will still answer the question, “How are you?” with, “Great. Thanks.” Really, I should say, “If you have a minute, there is this ONE thing I would like to speak out loud and get it out of my head and off my heart.”

There’s no major topic I need to vent. Nothing has happened. It’s the little things in life that pile up crowding my head and heart. My release trigger for bottled emotions ranges from being asked to do one more task to someone not listening to what I’ve said (hello children) to a teacher not returning an email. That final straw can have me weeping while I fix dinner or non-stop talking at my husband for hours after the kids have gone to bed. It’s always the talking part that makes me feel better. I’m never looking for more input than knowing someone is hearing what I’m saying and acknowledging how I feel.

I stood in church this morning listening to the worship team sing and felt peace. There were tears that I willed to stay put. Lots of people have seen me cry, so it wasn’t that I didn’t want anyone to see my tears. I wanted that moment of peace to be mine and mine alone. We sang, and I felt bolstered. I have a Heavenly Father who cares deeply for me, even though I tend toward wanting control when it’s not mine to take. I’m not alone, though I struggle with loneliness. I’m held even when I’m unraveling. I’m grateful for moments of peace within the chaos, even if it’s just for today.

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