10 May
Posted in: parenting
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Mother’s Day: I Had No Idea

mother with four children in the snow

I knew I was potentially in over my head almost 13 years ago when I was preparing to bring my first baby home and the hospital staff only cared if I had a car seat. I remember sitting in the backseat staring at this little boy and thinking I had no idea what I was supposed to do when we arrived home. We spent a great deal of the coming weeks just holding and staring at that little guy. I cried with all four babies when Craig had to go back to work. I proclaimed he couldn’t leave me at home because I had no idea what I was doing.

I’ve been learning every day for over a decade now. Each day has it’s own lesson for me to learn from, or help one of the kids through. That feeling of being clueless has yet to pass. Many times I’ve found myself on my knees praying for guidance because I have no idea what I’m doing.

  • I thought I knew what the title of mother meant. My understanding of the act of mothering was completely lacking.
  • I had no idea I could be so excited for someone else’s accomplishments.
  • I had no idea the heartbreak and anger I would feel at words, not said to me, but to my precious children.
  • I had no idea how deeply my heart would break along with theirs.
  • I had no idea how much time I would put into evaluating my performance, how much judgment others would share, or how much advice would be given.
  • I had no idea the amount of paperwork that surrounds child rearing.
  • I had no idea the amount of daily maintenance that’s required just to keep everyone alive, clean and clothed.
  • I had no idea how nervous I would be about things that have nothing to do with me.
  • I had no idea how much I would have to trust my inner voice and instincts, or how much I would question those very things.
  • I had no idea I could utterly fail and succeed at the same job all on the same day.
  • I had no idea how much my days would rely on what they needed and not what I wanted.
  • I had no idea what exhaustion really meant or how much work one person is truly capable of doing.
  • I had no idea how many laughs and tears would fill this journey.
  • I had no idea the other mothers I would meet along the way and the solidarity I would feel with these women. I’m never in this alone even when I close the door on the world. Someone is always there to listen if I’m brave enough to speak up.
  • I had no idea how fast time would pass. The days are long, but the years are fast.
  • I had no idea the time I would spend simply staring at these four people that are mine. I’m constantly blown away by the people they’re becoming. They were helpless babies just yesterday. They have opinions, beliefs, fears, loves and talents I didn’t even know would become part of them when I held them in my arms and rocked them to sleep. I had no idea the affect those sweet babies would have on my heart.
  • I had no idea it was possible to be completely drained, but have a heart so very full.
  • I was not prepared to be all-consumed by my need to love my children, unconditionally, through all the levels of happiness and despair.
  • I had no idea how cute and excited my children would be each year on Mother’s Day to thank me for what I do for them when it’s really me who should thank them for giving me the opportunity every morning to be the best I can at mothering.
  • The forgiveness and mercy that goes into the mother/child relationship…I had no idea.

My prayer for myself and my fellow mothers, in the myriad of ways we choose to mother our children, is to faithfully persevere in this on-going journey we share knowing that our work is important. Happy Mother’s Day!

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