Tagged with "emotions"
21 Sep
2014
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Reeling in Frazzled Emotions

colorful sunset from mountain overlook

My emotions have been raw this week. I feel unsteady and frazzled.

I took two phone calls this week from people telling me of the unexpected deaths of two people I served side-by-side with on different boards. They shared my passion for children, literacy and our community. They were here one day and gone the next. I’ve struggled to find peace in what I don’t understand. I stood in my front yard and listened to children playing during recess at a nearby elementary school this week. Two of my children were there. I had a moment where I was ready to pick my boys up from their schools, call my husband home and keep everyone close. At that moment, I just needed them all to know how very much they mean to me. My panic passed almost as quickly as it swept over me.

We know how fleeting time is, how suddenly life can change. This week was just too much. My heart is a soft one, and my emotions run painfully deep at times. I cried for two families I didn’t know, for the loss of two generous human beings. In the midst of the grief, there was rejoicing as two friends welcomed babies into this world on the same day. Those babies were the rays of sunshine in my gloom, the ebb to the flow of sadness.

Even under the best of circumstances the span of Sept. 15-20 is emotionally turbulent for me. I ride high in celebration of the birth of my oldest and youngest children followed closely by the melancholy that comes with birthdays for me. I cherish the fact that I’ve been given these children for yet another year of growth and experiences, but I find myself saddened at how quickly their childhoods are speeding by.

My unstable emotions had me griping and snapping at my family. My coping skills were non-existent. I pulled back this weekend from commitments allowing myself time to work through the over-stimulation from work, kids, sports and circumstances. I needed to find rest and peace to move forward. My priorities are more focused on what I want to give this life. I want a life lived well with true passion for what matters most to me. Time is too precious to fill with tasks others have deemed important, but are not my priority.

I sat in a sanctuary and watched the slideshow of photos from a life well-lived, but too short. They were snapshots of people loved and memories shared, not a resumé of accomplishments. My focus has been sharpened in my grief. There are things that need to be pushed aside. The word “no” needs to be heard more to other people and less to my children and spouse. This body and mind of mine need to be cared for and pampered. Guilt must be packed away. I may not be able to be every place I’m asked to be, but I can be with those who need me most.

 


 
Story of the Missing Tooth Fairy
By     |    Sep 8, 2014
Posted in: parenting     |    2 Comments

Story of the Missing Tooth Fairy

It was bound to happen. The Tooth Fairy failed to appear last week. I’ve lost track of the number of times the Tooth Fairy has visited our home, but apparently, even she was worn out from the first week of school and the early mornings that came with it. Thankfully, if we were going to fail as parents, we chose the correct child. Our third son is a laid-back, happy-go-lucky, joyful person. C woke up to find our ceramic lost... [Read More]

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Embracing the Next Step in Parenting
By     |    Sep 2, 2014
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Embracing the Next Step in Parenting

My tumultuous emotions revolving around my oldest starting middle school has everything to do with me and not much to do with him. This is my selfish mama moment. He’s ready for this next level. He’s capable. This next chapter excites him. I thought I was terrified of the big, bad middle school filled with hormones where my son will be exposed to heaven knows what. I am, a little, on-edge for the doors, both good and questionable, that will open... [Read More]

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Dreading and Needing School to Begin
By     |    Aug 29, 2014
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Dreading and Needing School to Begin

The start of school leaves me emotionally unraveling every single year. I loathe that summer is coming to a close, but I desperately want just a few moments of daylight hours to myself. It’s obvious the kids and I could use a break from each other. They’ve started bickering and picking at each other. I have lost all motivation to accomplish anything productive like getting out of bed and fixing breakfast. I need school to start, so I’m forced into... [Read More]

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Power of the Pan Flute
By     |    Jun 23, 2014
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Power of the Pan Flute

I believe there’s magic in a pan flute. More precisely, I believe music is magical and has the power to transform moods, circumstances and people. There are multiple studies on the topic, but I’ve witnessed it first-hand in my family this summer. Making and learning to play the pan flute was the one and only thing my 9-year-old wanted to accomplish this summer. Rewind a few months to when my Facebook status update referenced J’s desire to play the pan... [Read More]

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Birthday Letters to My Children
By     |    Jun 4, 2014
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Birthday Letters to My Children

I know my memories will fade over time, and my children’s pasts will warp and blend together. There will come a time when I wonder if it was J or A who liked shoes lined up just so. Or was it C who couldn’t stand to drink bottled water? My fear of a failing memory combined with the kiddos not remembering their early years led to me writing birthday letters to each child near their birthday. The letters aren’t essays... [Read More]

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Letting Go of Self-Imposed Guilt
By     |    May 8, 2014
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Letting Go of Self-Imposed Guilt

Most weeks I enjoy having a bigger family. None of those weeks fall in the month of May. I am outnumbered 4-to-1. I’m thankful every day for a husband who is in the parenting trenches with me, but there are several times when two people just aren’t enough to cover scheduling conflicts. The events claiming my time are linked to my favorite people and causes I hold dear. It’s all joy-bringing, fun activities (maybe not the dentist appointments), and I know... [Read More]

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Just a Lost Baby Tooth
By     |    Apr 24, 2014
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Just a Lost Baby Tooth

It was just a baby tooth, but it was his LAST baby tooth. It became another reminder that I can be emotional over just about everything. Our 5th grader came bounding out of school with a big smile on his face yesterday. I asked how his day was, and he answered by pulling the side of his mouth open to show me the gaping hole where his last baby tooth had been hours earlier. A wave of sadness swept over... [Read More]

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Learning to be Unhappy
By     |    Mar 24, 2014
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Learning to be Unhappy

I was part of the conversation, but really didn’t want to be. A group of moms were discussing how they ultimately want for their children to just be happy. I feel stress mounting every time I hear that statement, “I just want my kids to be happy.” That’s a lot of pressure. Pressure I don’t want or need to be putting on myself. I can’t make it through a day without feeling some other emotion besides happy. I know parents... [Read More]

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Motherhood: Are You Ready for This?
By     |    Feb 27, 2014
Posted in: parenting     |    1 Comment

Motherhood: Are You Ready for This?

I was delusional 12 years ago. I was pregnant for the first time and not thinking past my due date. Perfectly nice people, who were parents, would ask, “Are you ready for the baby?” In my delusional state I would reply affirmatively. We wanted this baby boy. We were ecstatic to meet and hold him. We had the crib, diapers, clothes, etc. I was ready. I’m convinced now those “nice” people were laughing internally about how naive I was. I... [Read More]

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